I have always been the guy on a short fuse, a very very short fuse. I lose it most of the time only to come back and apologize for my actions later. I have thrown things in my rage. I have punched walls. I have struck walls with my head. I have kicked out wildly at things. My language has hurt people. I have cursed and been cursed at too. So, basically I have been the quintessential bull in the china shop.
I know it is wrong. I know my rage hurts me as well as those around me. I know it makes me antisocial. I know the way it tears my soul, but it has been something that has been quite out of control in all my years of existence. Anger consumes me, teases me, pushes me, pokes me, makes me do things that I wouldn't have done otherwise, and then laughs at me when I repent for the things I did. It has been like the devil like you see in those Disney cartoons that sits on your shoulder advising you the wrong things; alas, I did not have an angel on the other shoulder to advise me otherwise.
I now have someone in my life whom I care for and love deeply. I wanted to change. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to change for her and for myself. I had promised myself that I will control my anger. I decided to change immediately. A futile experiment? Yes, it was. I admit that it took a toll on me. I was not my DNA, not who I was. I was always this angry guy who would lose it for the slightest of things. Trying to be patient and peaceful made me feel like I was cheating myself. I was trying to be someone I was not. But still, I wanted to do it for her. I thought I was almost there, but then yesterday I lost the plot again. Uncontrollable rage controlled me again. I was a puppet in its hands again and I knew that it was forcing me to dance. I knew I was falling into this deep chasm that I thought I had jumped. I was crushed and churned. It felt like my soul was hammered by a thousand rams. It burned me, but still somehow after all that, I felt light. I felt as if I am back to my old self again. I felt whole again. I felt exhilarated. Is something wrong with me? I would say, definitely yes.
Though I am still not sure what to make of it because it seemed as if I let the devil control me and yet I felt light. I do not understand the complexities of my reaction. But I have finally given some thought to what I have been doing and what I have been trying to achieve. I focused solely on changing myself which was a good thing, but then I decided that it should be immediate. I did not give consideration to the fact that the basic qualities/disqualities* in a person at his/her core remain as is. They never change. The short fuse would always be a part of me. I can suppress it to an extent, but not eradicate it. I cannot stop being angry just like that, cold turkey. It would somehow kill me. Kill the person I knew I was. Kill the person the others knew I am. I have to first respect what I am and then try to control the things I do not want in me, but then that process would have to be gradual. I know now I have to control my anger, more specifically the part where I express it. I know I will have to try channel it somehow to not cause hurt. I cannot hope to be a Gandhi and sincerely, I do not want to be. I will have to understand the value of relations and their depth. I have to really inculcate the hurt that rage causes to others and only then, would I get some kind of control on this. I am hoping that I succeed. I really want to, not for myself, but for my loved one. May God be with me.
I know it is wrong. I know my rage hurts me as well as those around me. I know it makes me antisocial. I know the way it tears my soul, but it has been something that has been quite out of control in all my years of existence. Anger consumes me, teases me, pushes me, pokes me, makes me do things that I wouldn't have done otherwise, and then laughs at me when I repent for the things I did. It has been like the devil like you see in those Disney cartoons that sits on your shoulder advising you the wrong things; alas, I did not have an angel on the other shoulder to advise me otherwise.I now have someone in my life whom I care for and love deeply. I wanted to change. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to change for her and for myself. I had promised myself that I will control my anger. I decided to change immediately. A futile experiment? Yes, it was. I admit that it took a toll on me. I was not my DNA, not who I was. I was always this angry guy who would lose it for the slightest of things. Trying to be patient and peaceful made me feel like I was cheating myself. I was trying to be someone I was not. But still, I wanted to do it for her. I thought I was almost there, but then yesterday I lost the plot again. Uncontrollable rage controlled me again. I was a puppet in its hands again and I knew that it was forcing me to dance. I knew I was falling into this deep chasm that I thought I had jumped. I was crushed and churned. It felt like my soul was hammered by a thousand rams. It burned me, but still somehow after all that, I felt light. I felt as if I am back to my old self again. I felt whole again. I felt exhilarated. Is something wrong with me? I would say, definitely yes.
Though I am still not sure what to make of it because it seemed as if I let the devil control me and yet I felt light. I do not understand the complexities of my reaction. But I have finally given some thought to what I have been doing and what I have been trying to achieve. I focused solely on changing myself which was a good thing, but then I decided that it should be immediate. I did not give consideration to the fact that the basic qualities/disqualities* in a person at his/her core remain as is. They never change. The short fuse would always be a part of me. I can suppress it to an extent, but not eradicate it. I cannot stop being angry just like that, cold turkey. It would somehow kill me. Kill the person I knew I was. Kill the person the others knew I am. I have to first respect what I am and then try to control the things I do not want in me, but then that process would have to be gradual. I know now I have to control my anger, more specifically the part where I express it. I know I will have to try channel it somehow to not cause hurt. I cannot hope to be a Gandhi and sincerely, I do not want to be. I will have to understand the value of relations and their depth. I have to really inculcate the hurt that rage causes to others and only then, would I get some kind of control on this. I am hoping that I succeed. I really want to, not for myself, but for my loved one. May God be with me.
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