Emotions and Shit

I dread feeling happy now 

because happiness is very shallow 

like the calm before the storm

the silence before the outburst

the purring before the growl

Don't take me wrong

don't call me a pessimist

I cannot help feeling sad when I am happy

because it is only sadness that I have ever known

Hurt has been my constant companion

Distress has been one of the mistresses

And worry has been the dog that snipes at my ankle

I dread feeling happy 

because I know it is not for real

When I am happy, I wait

for the axe to fall and cut it to pieces

That is when I am really happy

looking down upon the sorry bits 

What had been a beautiful cloth

is lying now in tatters

I clap my hands in glee and laugh

because i have been proven true 

For I knew it was not permanent

now that it has died, I rejoice

I dread looking back

I know what I would find

In the pond of self pity

am dancing in glee

slowly sinking into despair

but then I don't think I can be saved

because I dread feeling happy